Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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