Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
