So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
