shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
