My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
