I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
