I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
