I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
