I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
