your parents love me but you hate me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
