We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
