Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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