Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
