Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
