i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
