If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
