dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
