her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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