I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
