fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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