Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
