I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
