A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just gargled with NyQuil
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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