I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So squirting runs in the family.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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