we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
