Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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