Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
