he thought i was a dude.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
