just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
