i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
