My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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