I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
