White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
