Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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