i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
