It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
