Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
