he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
