wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
