its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
