I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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