i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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