Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
