I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i think my cat just said my name.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
