I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
