Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Do vagina's smell?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
