dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
