I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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