i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
