just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
